Monday, April 2, 2012

You Know You're Pregnant When...

It’s never been lost on Wendy and I that there’s a very good chance that the majority of women who read this blog do not, in fact, live in Mommyland. Which is totally cool with us. If you don’t have kids and you still think we are more “funny” or even “adequately amusing” than we are “demented” or “bad parents,” than we like you and invite you to keep visiting us here. Let’s face it; we’re nothing if not birth control for the non-mommies out there.

I thought it would nice to say a thank you to the non-mommies who like to keep up with us here on Escape from Mommyland. Thanks for stopping in even though you could just as easily busy yourself running up an online shopping charge.  Thanks for coming back even if it’s only to laugh at us and not with us. And thanks for not calling Child Protective Services even when our parenting strategies seem, well, questionable at best. To show my gratitude, I dedicate today’s post to you, non-mommies. I thought I’d offer you some advice on how to figure out if you’re pregnant or not. Some of you might end up needing this advice sooner than others and some of you may not ever need it. But keep it in the back of your mind because eventually you or someone you know will find yourself in an all-too common scenario: your period is late and you’re feeling a little bloated, but you’re not quite sure if that baby in your tummy is a baby-baby or just a food-baby. Allow me to help you figure it out.

You know you’re pregnant when:

You use the phrase “pee break” so often that your co-workers are starting to place bets on what you’re really doing in there. Some have guessed pregnancy, but mostly everyone is in agreement that you have a drug problem. Although, there are also a select few that are steadfast in their theory that you’re a secret spy.

You realize that Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner are no longer sufficient meal times, and that an additional set of meals must be implemented: Early Breakfast, Mid-morning Breakfast, The Sequel to Lunch (Parts Two and Three), Pre-dinner Dinner, Second Dinner, Post-dinner Snack (also known as Gimme-That-Tub-of-Ice Cream Snack), Late Night Snack, Late-late Night Snack and Mindless Munching on Crackers in the Middle of the Night While Still Asleep.

You cry during Glee. And I don’t mean during the final number, which is often meant to be a tearjerker or sentimental. I’m talking about crying in the opening song, even when it’s Artie and Will singing “Moves Like Jagger,” and you’re ugly-crying like, “Omigod. The way they move their hips”

You’re crying right now.

Your breasts constantly feel like someone has or is still giving you a purple-nurple.

You've started spending more time with your head in the toilet than you did during your entire college career. Except that this time, you don’t have tequila burning your throat on the way back up or the foggy memories of creepy grease monkeys trying to grind dance with you from the night before. (Or maybe you do. Who am I to say how you got into this mess?)

You know that at one point, you had your wits about you. But you can’t seem to remember exactly when that was. In fact, you can’t remember much these days. It’s not so much your deteriorating addition and subtraction skills that worry you, but the fact that you can’t remember who Ryan Reynolds is dating at the moment or what happened on last week’s episode of One Tree Hill.

You start noticing pregnant ladies everywhere you go. You can’t help but wonder if it’s some freaky coincidence that every freaking woman in the world is suddenly pregnant, or if there were always this many preggos around and you just never noticed.

You buy new clothes. And I don’t mean that you’ve bought new clothes and then suddenly they don’t fit. I just mean that if you haven’t gone shopping in awhile but your partner has finally convinced you to spend some money on yourself and not feel guilty about it, as soon as the credit card has been swiped you can consider yourself sperminated. Because those stupid universal laws of parenting want to make sure you won’t ever get to enjoy those skinny jeans or trendy lace camisoles.

You pee on a stick and it’s negative but you don’t feel confident enough about the results to drink a glass of wine even though it’s staring you down and practically saying “Drink me, hooker. I dare you.”

And if all else fails, just remember this. You know you’re pregnant when you pee on a stick and it’s positive.

Yeah. I’d say that’s a pretty good indicator that you’re preggo.


P.S. To those of you who just read through the list and are now pretty sure you’re pregnant, don’t worry. You’re not alone. Your very own Alice is also expecting! It was the constant purple nurples that made me realize it this time. What was it for you?

P.P.S. Congratulations!

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