Monday, March 26, 2012

When I Was 21

2006. It was the year a song titled “It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp” won an Academy Award, Justin Timberlake gave pop culture his greatest contribution in “Dick in a Box,” and the most famous babies ever, Suri Cruise and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, first graced us with their presence. It was a world where iPhones, the Kardashians, and Justin Bieber hadn’t become a thing yet – although to be fair, the Biebs probably just wasn’t born yet.

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2006 was also the year I turned 21. I was in college, had an unexplainable fondness for polka dots, and developed my first girl-crush upon realizing that Tina Fey was responsible for both Mean Girls and 30 Rock. Back then, if you had told me that in six years I would be pregnant for the second time, I probably would’ve laughed until I peed my pants or punched you in the face.

But alas, it’s true. It wasn’t that long until I would very abruptly trade in Jager Bombs for diaper bombs. There was so much for me to learn, and yet at the time I had no way of fathoming what was to come, and just how fast it would happen. So in honour of my former bar-hopping, polka dot wearing self, I give you the top 15 things I had no idea were on the very near horizon.

When I was 21, I didn’t know that in six years I would:

15. Say the sentence, “Sorry guys, I can’t, it’s naptime,” and actually be referencing someone else’s nap and not my own.

14. Stay up most or all of the night for any reason other than finishing a last minute project or drinking my face off.

13. Give control of the music in my car over to someone who’s barely three feet tall and thinks that anyone named Eric must be the prince from The Little Mermaid.

12. Talk about myself in the third person for at least 95% of most days.

11. Think of the term “sleeping in” much how I think of Muppet Babies: I think I remember a time when it existed... Otherwise, the person who started this lie is a really big asshole.

10. Not only let someone pee, poop, and throw up on me, but still love them afterward.

9. Spend 45 minutes at each mealtime watching a toddler very slowly eat her food, not eat her food, or make games out of her food.

8. Think that watching Dora the Explorer was preferable to shows like Jersey Shore.

7. End up with songs like “A-Goong Went the Little Green Frog” and “The Flea Fly Song” constantly stuck in my head.  

6. Think that “staying up late” meant being awake at 9:00 p.m. to watch New Girl.

5. No longer view my boobs simply as accessories or successful manipulation tools, but as sustenance for some and weapons for others. What did you call me? Take it back or I’ll shoot you in the eye with milk!

4. Not have a starring role on General Hospital or at least two Academy Awards to my name.

3. Discover what “after birth” actually refers to, as oppose to thinking it just meant the period of time that followed pushing a human out of your nether regions.

2. Use my repertoire of 90’s TV show theme songs as lullabies.

1. Think that having sex twice a month was a pretty good record.

All this talk makes me wonder what the next six years will be like. Hopefully when 2018 rolls around, I’ll be able to say something like, “I didn’t know that my sex life would pick up so much once my kids were in school,” or “I didn’t know the “why” phase would be so short.”

What? A girl can dream.


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