Monday, March 19, 2012

About a Two Year Old

The year in between when your child turns two and three years old is pretty interesting. Frankly, Forrest Gump was right. It’s like the most terrifying box of chocolates ever, and you never know which one you’re gonna get. Sometimes, your toddler will wake up smiling and giggling and telling you that she loves you so very much. And other times, that pint sized crackhead ain’t afraid to cut a bitch simply because her milk was served in the wrong colour cup or you didn’t do up the car seat buckles in the exact right order. It’s the worst mind game ever, and you don’t really ever win; you just might get lucky some days.

But I guess all of that is nothing new, it’s just that the crazy is amped up quite a bit from the previous two years. Lucky for us, toddlers start to exhibit some other original behaviours or traits during this time, all designed to keep parents on their toes. Some of the mannerisms are funny, some are quirky, and others are downright irritating. Here’s the round-up on what I’ve come across so far:

The ‘why’ phase begins. Initially, your reaction is a mixture of mild perplexity and shrugged shoulders. Then the whys increase and you become more flustered because how the hell do you explain why asparagus is green or why the hallway is where it is. Then before you know it, you’ve officially reached the point where you are literally banging your head against the wall because surprisingly, or maybe not, that’s a less irritating activity.

It becomes acceptable for your child to openly admit to talking to herself. I have lost track of how many times the following exchange takes place in my house each day:

“Mumble mumble mumble.”
“Pardon, Thumper? Can you say it louder for Mommy to hear?”
“Oh, no I was just talking to myself, Mom. Don’t worry.”

In a surprising, or not, turn of events, children start monitoring what their parents say. For example, you might think you’re having an adult conversation, but when you casually say something like, “Oh man, I hate it when Rachel Berry makes those Broadway faces!” your child is likely to appear out of nowhere to say, “Mommy, we do not say hate.” Then five minutes later when you absentmindedly say something similar, she will again pop out to remind you to find a more appropriate word.

They will also start policing their friends’ behaviour. As in: “YES! It’s raining, Bambi. I told you enough times!” after her BFF asks one too many times if it’s raining outside.

Actually, let’s just put it on record that this is when they start saying exactly every single thing that you say. You may overhear struggles conversations between your child and her stuffed bunny that go like this: “I’m just gonna do your hair okay? No, sit still. No – just, NO! Let! Me! Finish! There! Aww, you’re so beautiful!” Or perhaps when you’re trying to explain why we shouldn’t, oh you know, use the dresser drawers as stairs, she will look you dead in the eye and say with complete seriousness, “Okay, okay. Calm down, Mmmoooommmmmmm.” Um, I’m sorry, did I miss something? When the f#*% did you turn sixteen?!

While we’re on the subject of being sixteen, let’s just say that, yeah, that becomes a thing during this year as well. Whether it’s because they demand to call Daddy at work and proceed to lie on their bed with their legs kicking behind them while they giggle and gab away, or because they’ve decided that they only want to play with older boys kids- and we’re not talking a year or two older here, but boys kids that are close to double digits and have zero interest in babies - your toddler will turn into a teenager right before your eyes.  Yes, it is as frightening as it sounds. And somewhat karmic, I suppose.

That’s all I’ve discovered for now. I still have six months before Thumper turns three so I’m sure there will be a lot more behavioural developments before then. Oh, goody. And then hopefully this all tapers off...right? Right?!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I'm busy. I have to go find a more appropriate word to describe how I feel about Berry's musical facial expressions.


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