Things They Don't Tell You About Weddings

Yes, it’s true. I am finally Mrs. Dawson Leery! The wedding was a ravishing success, if I do say so myself. We managed to pull off three, count ‘em, three choreographed dance routines. One of the dances was during our wedding party introductions, and we stole all the moves from Glee. If you saw the episode where Kurt’s dad marries Finn’s mom, you know what I’m talking about. It went like this. When I watched that episode, I wasn’t even engaged yet but I knew those dance moves were going to make it into my wedding one day. 

Now, if there had been a way to get my wedding party to agree to it, I would’ve had them to do this dance instead. Alas, they never would’ve gone for it, as it was hard enough to get them to do the first one and also would've required extensive dance practices for all of us.

As I said, everything went really well, but as with anything, I learned a thing or two from the whole process of planning a wedding. And just like with motherhood, there are a whole slew of things that no one ever tells you about beforehand, things that you’re left to figure out the hard way. Things like...

You will never make so many lists in your life. I’m a list person. If I don’t make a list, things don’t get done. And in the beginning of this planning process, I was all like, hell yeah I am going to own this because I make LISTS, bitches! But the week before the big day, I think I made so many that I pretty much never want to see a piece of paper again. You think you only have to make a guest list once, but in reality, you need to write that list in at least seven different formats and seven different orders. Like, alphabetical guest list for parking, guest list by meal selections, guest list by table, and so on. You also need to make very specific to-do lists every day, usually several times a day, because otherwise, something will be forgotten or someone will go unpaid. And don’t forget about the lists of things to pack for the big day. It’s unrelenting and never ending and so unbelievably necessary.

Don’t host your own rehearsal party. Because quite frankly, you are planning one party, and it will be the very next day, so why bother planning a precursor? Let someone else take that headache. Dawson and I would have been sitting pretty had it not been for our stupid idea to have the party at our house. All the wedding stuff was finished on Thursday, and so we spent all of Friday cleaning and cooking for the rehearsal. Then after it was all finished and I made a hasty exit for my hotel, Dawson was left to clean up the mess instead of working on his speech. Which brings me to my next point.

Send your child to be babysat at someone else’s house. Dishes and vacuuming are two things you don’t want to be doing the night before or the morning of your wedding. Dawson probably wouldn’t have had to clean so much if it weren’t for the fact that the next day we had babysitters coming to stay over to watch Thumper during the reception. I’m sure our (wonderful and super awesome sauce) babysitters wouldn’t have minded a dirty dish or two, but I feel confident that had they walked into a kitchen full of pots and pans with caked on food, none of which they even got to eat, they would have turned around and walked out without a word.

Don’t schedule your ceremony and reception five hours apart. You might think this one goes without saying but here me out first. We chose an 11 am start time for our ceremony and a 5 pm reception time for two reasons. One being that I didn’t want a mid-afternoon ceremony to land in the middle of my daughter’s naptime, or any of the other seven children under three attending my wedding, and the second being that the venue we wanted for the ceremony was significantly cheaper in the morning time slot. And though part of me wants to stand by those reasons and say that I’d do it the same way again, wearing that heavy and tight fitting wedding gown for over ten hours was pretty painful. I started my day with tears in my eyes because I couldn’t believe I was finally getting to wear a princess gown, and I ended the day with tears in my eyes because I couldn’t wait to get that fucking thing off. And yet as badly as I wanted out of it, it broke my heart to take the dress off. So maybe for my next wedding, I’ll screw over Thumper’s nap in favour of being able to wear my dress all night without wanting to set fire to it.

Do your nails the night before.  Because otherwise, you won’t have time to do damage control when one of your bridesmaids accidentally drops the whole bottle of nail polish on the floor two hours before the ceremony. I had hoped she dropped the clear nail polish, but of course, it was the bottle of white spilled everywhere, so there was no French manicure for this bride. Luckily, I realized that if that was the worst thing that happened on my wedding day, I should consider myself lucky. At my brother’s wedding, his mother-in-law slipped on the dance floor and broke her wrist. So not having my nails done was okay by me. I just feel bad for the nail polish. Like the Titanic, it was cut short during its maiden voyage.

Of course, that wasn’t really the worst thing that happened. The worst was that a different bridesmaid scratched the side of her car on a cement beam in the parking garage the night before. But even that was kind of funny, because it wasn’t my car and because she was so flustered that she drove off into the next level before remembering that she left the bridesmaid who had gotten out to assess the damage behind.

And the best part of the day was the fact that I married my very best friend and the love of my life. I also really enjoyed the part where he cried more actual tears than I did. Oh, and also the part where my daughter ran up the aisle screaming her head off, my one niece sat down in the middle of the aisle, my crying nephew wouldn’t let go of my brother and walk by himself, and my other niece walked up the aisle with a look of I hate you all mixed with I don’t really know what’s happening mixed with Gimme that candy bag Auntie Alice promised me if I made it up here. The chaos was oddly charming.

-Alice 

I'm Basically the New Oprah

Before I begin, I have an announcement

I want to call to your attention that this Saturday is my wedding. MY WEDDING! (I needed to say it twice and in caps in case you missed it the first time.) Yes, that's right. The next time I post I will be a married woman! I'll also probably still be wearing my wedding dress the next time I post because, well, I will never, ever, ever, take it off.

And now onto my real post. I am part of a book club - okay, right now it's more of a book quartet, really - and I just picked our latest read, so I thought maybe I should share a list of interesting reads for anyone out there looking for a new book. I'm like the new Oprah, bitches. What? Someone had to take over.

Room by Emma Donoghue -Obviously I had to start with a tearjerker. That's what Oprah would do, right? But seriously, this book is captivating from start to finish and I don't think my heart has pounded so hard while reading a book since the first time I read Seasme Street's Grover and The Monster at the End of the Book. (Spoiler alert: Grover is the monster at the end of the book. Seriously though, real page turner.) It's the story of five year old Jack and his "Ma," who are held in captivity in a tiny little room by a man Jack refers to "Old Nick." The interesting part is that the entire book is told through Jack's eyes, so he has no idea that his mom has been living there against her will for seven years, or that life exists outside of their room. It's a pretty heavy subject matter, but a lot of the more "gruesome" details are a bit sugar-coated, since it's all from the point of view of a five year old. Just be warned, if you have a heart, it will break, and you will cry. A lot.

Behind the Bell by Dustin Diamond - That's right, hookers. Screech wrote a book! But don't get too excited. I wouldn't so much call this book "good" as "interesting." Or "ohmygawd this boy has unresolved issues but he just mentioned Zach Morris so I can't stop reading." Diamond advertises the book as a tell-all, but most of what he does is try to paint his former co-stars, especially Mark Paul Gosselaar, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Mario Lopez, as sluts, fame-whores, divas and big fat stupid-heads. All of the stories he uses to discredit them may be true, but in trying to make himself sound cooler than his image made him out to be, he ends up painting himself as a slut too. There is actually a chapter called "An Open Letter to All the Chicks I Banged." As painful as it sometimes was to read the words of someone who obviously hasn't gotten over being the outcast on set, it was so baffling and all "did you seriously just write that?" that I literally couldn't stop reading it. Also, he mentions Zach Morris. So...yeah. Good book.

Bossypants by Tina Fey - Did you honestly think I wouldn't mention her? Even Wendy thought it was funny, so it's not just me being biased because I have a girl-crush on her and my ultimate dream is to just hang out with her. All the time. Also with Amy Poehler. Also! She mentions a few stories about Amy, including one where Amy tells Jimmy Fallon off at the height of his SNL career, so seriously how can this book do wrong?* I don't even know what to say the book is about. It's kind of just Tina talking about her life (and yes, we're on a first name basis), but it's also sometimes her telling you ways to be successful. Like the fact that if you want to work for Lorne Michaels, for the love of God, do not finish his sentences. He hates that. I literally made a mental note of that because, honestly, what if I run into Lorne Michaels someday? The point is, every single fucking thing in this book is funny and every minute you spend not reading it is a disservice to yourself.

*I want the record to show that I also love Jimmy Fallon. I just think its awesome that Amy (yes we're on a first name basis) felt like she could say whatever she wanted to whomever she wanted. Girl power. Fuck yeah!


I'm going to pause the list here because A) you should be reading Bossypants and I refuse to continue posting until everyone in the world has read it! Or until next Monday. Whichever comes first. And B) it's late, I'm tired and I still have seventy trillion things to do before Dawson finally makes an honest woman out of me on Saturday.

To be continued....

-Alice

More Nothingness From Alice

Remember when I said not to expect anything well written or well thought out from me until after my wedding? I've thought about it, and in telling you that I would write crap, I basically promised to write crap and I feel like I should keep that promise. It's just good karma, you know?

So I'm sorry. But you're welcome.

All I can offer you today, Mommyland, are the two funniest music videos I have ever seen.

Start with this one and then move on to this one. Then die of laughter.

You get a bonus point if you can spot Hawk from So You Think You Can Dance (Season 3) and a virtual high five if you can spot Wilder Valderama.

Sending you all my love as I drown in wedding-related things,

Alice

Ps. WEDDING IN 8 DAYS! WOOT WOOOOOOOOT!

Let's Get Real

Dear fellow mommies,

You may have noticed that my recent posts have been, how shall I say, shitty. And infrequent.

For this, I am sorry. But you have to understand, I still love you dearly even though my wedding has been a huge time-suck lately. I guess it’s my fault, considering that A) I’m the one who demanded a princess wedding, which will be held in a castle no less— oh hells yes you read that right. A castle! Fist pump! And B) I am a procrastinator by choice and nature, which is doubly bad for productivity.

But the thing is, I am smartest in the morning hours. Not the “wee” hours. No, no, those are for burrowing underneath your blankets and dreaming about a world where soap operas don’t end. I’m talking about after 8:30 a.m. but before 2 p.m. I don’t know why my brain works best then; some people say it’s because of a little thing called a good night’s sleep, but I remember a time not so long ago when I was a fully functioning person well into the night and into those precious wee hours and was able to pump out glorious and epic essays and short stories for school. Well, those days are over now. And you might think that doesn’t sound too problematic. Except that I have a toddler. A toddler who won’t sleep during naptime if I don’t tire her out in the morning. So mornings are bit crazy between trying to make storytime at the library before it fills up and trying to make one billion phone calls (and yes, that is an accurate number) and rearranging the seating chart for the seventeenth time since yesterday evening. Once all that is done, it’s naptime. And I don’t just mean for the child. And after that, I’m pretty much a write off. All this is to say that there’s no power left in my brain for good blog posts. I am sorry.

I knew I’d been slacking but two things happened to really make me realize it. One is that my close friend called to ask if I still wrote for the blog, and the second is that I went back and re-read my very first post on the site. Then I re-read last Monday’s post. And then part of my soul died.

I will do better soon, I promise. Just...maybe not today. Or next week either. Once this wedding is over, I will go back to my clever self, regaling you with tales of my epic parental failures. But for now, if you want some Alice, you’re going to either have to deal with my lazy, distracted, late posts, or go back and re-read all the posts from the beginning. (I would highly recommend the latter.)

Anyway, I am sorry for my poor blogging skills as of late, and once my wedding and honeymoon are over, I will come back to you. This is I promise you.*

*Double fist pump for an N*SYNC reference!

I will leave you with some random thoughts on life:

I think all weddings should be a Ke$ha-free environment.

That new sitcom with Zooey Deschenal is ah-mazing. Everyone go watch New Girl! There’s just one thing confusing me; did they replace the token black character with another token black character who looks really similar to the first guy? Seriously, where did Coach go?! Also, I didn’t know that a two-line theme song could get stuck in your head for weeks at a time. (Who’s that girl...it’s Jess!)

Thumper tried some turkey on the weekend and liked it, and then asked for more. And she started eating peas again. I think the world is ending.

Angry Birds does not help blog and wedding productivity. But it is so much fun!

Remember how women warned that you would have re-occurring pregnancy nightmares? And remember how they were right? It turns out the same is true for weddings. In the last week, I’ve nightmares of losing a stone in my engagement ring, and being dumped on my wedding day. Gee, I can’t wait to go to sleep again.

Dawson is leaving for his bachelor party today. It’s in Vegas. I would like you all to pray with me that he makes it home safely with all body parts intact, not married to a stripper, and without a sunburn from a prank that left him on the hotel roof for 24 hours.

That’s all for today. If you need me over the next few days, I’ll be in the corner rocking back and forth, trying to avoid thinking about the shenanigans my fiancé is currently getting into.

-Alice

In the (Mother) Hood

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was scared sh*tless. And it’s funny how I had never really paid attention to pregnant people before, but when I became one, I started seeing preggos everywhere I went. It was strange, but I felt a silent kinship with all those women I came across. Sometimes we’d stop to trade pregnancy details but sometimes it was just a small smile that we shared and that was enough to make me feel like I was part of something. There were other women who knew exactly what I was going through, even if Dawson or my size 0 friends didn’t.

At first, motherhood felt the same. I’d pass by another mom with her kids and we’d share a knowing smile. It felt really nice to be a part of something that was so much bigger than anything I’d ever been in before. It was just this automatic connection that I suddenly shared with every woman who’d ever been a mother.

But like any relationship, after awhile, the cracks began to show. And in this case, the cracks came in the form of other moms who narrowed their eyes or turned up their noses when the following topics came up: breastfeeding, TV time, pacifiers, sleeping habits, junk food, going back to work and discipline. Or pretty much any topic where their opinion differed from mine. Because obviously they were right and I was wrong. Any mother who gives her children non-organic food is obviously a monster.

Wait. What?

I don’t know why or how it happened, but it seems there is a sub-sect group of mommies sent to Earth to try and ruin our merry band of mothers by beating the rest of us over the heads with their I’m better than you sticks. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you soon will. These moms are the ones who will snottily tell you that “breast is best” when you casually mention that you bottle feed your child, or who loudly and rudely balk when you bring up the fact that you let your daughter watch Cinderella.

Before I continue, let me get one thing straight. If you’re the kind of person who believes that your baby should be breastfed for X amount of time, that’s cool. If you believe that your kid should never own a Barbie or watch a Disney movie, that’s cool too. There’s a saying that in the mom world that I whole heartedly believe – you have to do what works for your family. So if that means your kids will be breastfed until they’re six months, or five years old, well then go on with your bad self. It may not be a choice I’d make, but who cares? You have to do what works for you.

What pisses me off is when moms use their parenting styles as a weapon to make other women feel bad about theirs. I breastfed Thumper for about .05 seconds before I realized it was not going to work out. She watches an hour or two of TV most days. Up until her second birthday, she had a soother. We eat processed foods. Am I going to hell for all of this? No. Maybe I will go to hell for some drunken shenanigans I got into in college, but certainly not because I fed my baby through a bottle. Do I worry that I’m ruining my daughter with every choice I make? Of course I do. But worry and guilt are as much part of motherhood as dirty diapers and scraped knees. So I’d worry about screwing up my kid no matter what choices I make.

And I have enough mom friends to know that I’m not the only worrier out there. Which is why I try to make sure my tone isn’t condescending when discussing parenting strategies with other moms. I don’t want to be made to feel bad about how much TV I let my daughter watch, so in turn, I’m not going to make anyone else feel bad about not letting their kids watch any TV just because I do. There’s no need for us moms to perpetuate each other’s guilt. That’s what scientific studies are for.

My general rule of thumb is this: if kids aren’t being beaten and there is food and water on the table, it’s all good in the hood. One mother shouldn’t get to be better than another just because her child doesn’t use a soother. Or because she chose to stay home fulltime. Or because her family eats all organic food and wears clothes made from recycled garbage.

So let’s all agree to be nice to each other from now on, okay? I know sometimes it’s hard to keep our mouths shut when we run into an Octo-mom type, but let’s just call a spade a spade, and be glad we’re not the ones with seventy-two kids running around, mmmmkay?

-Alice