Liar Liar, Mommy's Pants are on Fire

There is one universal thing that all parents have in common. And it’s the fact that we lie to our kids. You might be the most virtuous and honourable person on the planet. You might be shaking your head at me, saying that you would never ever do such a thing. But chances are you have and that when your kids were little, you probably did it every day. Let me refresh your memory by telling you the top five lies I tell my child every day of the week.

Everyone’s having a nap.

We promise that you won’t miss out on any fun while you’re napping because we are all going to sleep too. So go to sleep. Please. Just close your eyes for a second. No, you can’t get up to play because I’m going to sleep too. No, you can’t have any milk. The milk is also sleeping.

This isn’t chocolate. It’s medicine.

In some respects, this is not a lie. Chocolate can help turn mommy’s dial from “If you don’t stop screaming ‘no’ I am going to shut you in this room and never ever let you out!” to something more like “How about we spend the day at the pool? We’ll eat ice cream sundaes and you can stay up late!”

Buzz Lightyear/The Little Mermaid/Cinderella is sleeping.

And do you know why Buzz is sleeping? Because you’ve already watched him and Woody save that wimpy T-Rex’s ass seventy-seven times today and seriously, the dudes can only play the hero so many times in one day. It takes energy to save the world at the eleventh hour. Cut the toys some slack already.

You’re gonna get sucked down the drain if you don’t hurry!

Bath time is over now. C’mon, Daddy is already asleep on the floor, all the bubbles have disappeared, and your teeth are chattering. Still no? Okay fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. I’m about to pull the bath plug and if you don’t hurry up and get out of there, you are gonna get sucked down with the wa—(baby screams and scrambles into your open arms).

If you don’t go to sleep right now, I am going to take every toy and book out of your room!

This one is tough. If you are lucky, the child will choose to believe you. But if you’ve got one of those crafty little buggers, he will test you to see whether or not you are lying. In which case, you may find yourself dragging your child’s entire bookcase out of his room, down the hall, and into your closet at 3:30 a.m.

Still don’t think you’re a liar? Liar! You’re lying to me right now! It’s okay to admit it, really. We all do it. Sometimes it’s necessary in order to make it through the day or, you know, end the longest running bath in the history of the world.

-Alice