Monday, June 27, 2011

Babies Just Don't Understand

Last week, I wrote about all the things that we as parents cannot understand about our adorable and devilish offspring. Now I'd like to highlight a few things that our kids can't seem to grasp about adults and how things work in the real world. 

For example, Thumper has yet to realize that me driving is far more important than the soother/bunny/book/sippy cup that she just dropped on the car floor. Sorry sweetie, but no I can't pick up the soother you dropped/threw at the back of my head because I'm actively trying to not crash the car. Also? Screaming at the top of your lungs doesn't help me to not crash the car. Just sayin'.

She also doesn't seem to understand that it is possible to eat two foods at the same time. If you're eating peas for dinner and I put some chicken nuggets on your plate, that doesn't mean you need to abandon the peas altogether in favour of the nuggets. Nor does it mean you need to scream bloody murder for fear that since I've introduced the next food of the meal, the peas will suddenly disappear. I know this is hard to comprehend, sweet child of mine, but I would like you to eat both.

Thumper has a hard time remembering that when we leave the playground, we will come back someday. And that someday will probably be tomorrow. I know that some things in life are very do-or-die, but the playground is not one of them. So rest easy tonight Thumper, and please stop hitting me when I say it's time to go home, because tomorrow is another day full of swings and slides and mulch for you to throw. At least until October because we won't be coming back to the park for another few months after that. I will even welcome a tantrum from you when that cool, Fall day comes because at least it will be warranted for once.

The same can be said for basically any activity we do that she loves. The pool. Watching The Little Mermaid 78462954 times. The beach. Play groups. Amusement parks. If you love it and it's safe and reasonably priced or better yet, free, chances are that we are going to do it as much as possible. Because despite what you think, dear child, I spend much of my life trying to make sure that you enjoy yours. And when you're having fun, I'm having fun. (As long as the activity is not climbing on the counters or drawing on the walls, in which case, I'm not having fun.) So please don't cry when we have to finish doing whatever we're doing, because that is most definitely not fun and it makes me twitch.

Now here comes the most puzzling one of all. Apparently the girl doesn’t understand that pools and splash pads serve the same purpose. She loves the pool and loves to sit on the steps and then stand up and shout 'I’m a mermaid!' However, if she is within five feet of a splash pad that is turned on, she will use her super baby strength to jump into my arms and wrap all possible limbs around me. I honestly don’t even need to hold onto her, that’s how tightly she grips me. And I’m fairly certain that not even the jaws of life could peel her off. This all saddens me for two reasons. One is that I feel like Thumper would really enjoy sitting on the hippo that sprays water and pretending to be a mermaid. The second is that, obviously, I want to use the splash pads and if my child hates them, then my only valid excuse to use them becomes null and my summer becomes boring and hot because I can’t fit into those stupid baby pools. I think I'm just going to abandon splash pads for this summer because as much as I love the cuddles I get when Thumper is trying to avoid them, I don't love the simultaneous heart-stopping pitch in which she screams. 

Sadly, I don't think Thumper will be grasping any of these concepts in the near future. Which I guess I can live with because as a parent it's kind of your job to be baffled daily by your offspring. Except for the splash pads. I will always be sad about the splash pads. 


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