The Lazy Post

Listen, I know you guys like me because I’m good at being angry and rant-y and letting everyone have a good laugh at my parental failures. Unfortunately for you, nothing especially note-worthy happened this week so I made the executive decision to update you on some of the topics I’ve blogged about recently.

You know that I just learned to drive standard, and yay for me, I’m getting better! I still stall from time to time, and I still sometimes accidentally put the car into third when I meant to put it in first, but the car hasn’t blown up yet so I am considering that a major plus. I also always bring milk in the car to keep Thumper’s rage at bay, as well as soothers and blankets and stuffed toys. Sadly, despite the abundance of distractions available to Thumper, there is no way to keep her from dropping one or all of the aforementioned objects. And since they all conveniently fall out of my reach, I’m still driving around with an angry toddler screaming in my ear.

You also know that I’ve been having some issues with time-outs. I think I may have become a time-out nazi. It’s probably just as bad as being a time-out push-over. Needless to say, I’m not good at balance.

In my Liar Liar post, I talked about how chocolate can make me so happy/drugged up that I will give Thumper anything she wants. Apparently sleep has the same effect. Thumper, for whatever reason, was up eleventeen-billion times during the night on Thursday, thus turning me into Angry Zombie Mommy for most of the next day. Luckily, after putting her down for a nap I was able to make it to my own bed before passing out. When we woke up two hours later, I felt so refreshed I was all like, let’s eat cookies together! And before she finished the cookie I was shoving chips in her hands. And then we were both so excited I was like, LET’S GO TO DISNEYLAND! And we did.

Okay, we didn’t go to Disneyland but the cookie and chips part is all true.

Also, it has come to my attention that maybe some of you don’t know what the acronym STFU means, as mentioned in my first-ever stick drawing. And it came to my attention only because a friend told me she didn’t know what it meant. The conversation went something like this:

Friend: I like your stick drawing but I don’t know what STFU means.

Alice: Shut the fuck up.

Friend: No seriously. I even tried to look it up.

Alice: Shut the fuck up.

Friend: I’M BEING SERIOUS I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS JUST FUCKING TELL ME.

Alice: Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Friend: Oh. I get it now.

Oh also, Thumper uttered her first “No, I do it!” the other day. The first of many I am sure. At first I was like awww and then I wondered how long it will take before I start twitching when I hear those words. She also started saying “I did it!” but never at the right times. I’ll ask her if she wants to go to the park and she runs toward the door screaming “I did it!” She is a special, special child.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll do something dumb and then I’ll have a funny story to tell you about on Friday. Here’s hoping!

-Alice