Monday, August 22, 2011

Tips For Surviving a Bachelorette in Miami

Last weekend I was lucky enough to go on a trip to Miami for my bachelorette party. I was accompanied by one sister, two sister-in-laws, one bridesmaid, and three friends. It was awesome. Before embarking on our journey, we were given advice from friends and family, most of which were things like “don’t die” and “don’t lose the bride.” While helpful, there were other things I would've liked people to have told me so that I could appropriately prepare. So I decided to make my own list of tips and advice for those of you who may be visiting Miami in the near future for a bachelorette party. So get our your stilettos and a pen. You will want to write this down because once you arrive in Miami, you will be too hammered to remember any of this.

Make friends with the flight attendants (and pilot, if possible). This generally always works in your benefit (don't bite the hand that feeds you), but it's especially helpful when you tell them your friend has never been on a flight before. (Yes this is a true story and yes she’s twenty-six years old.) It may result in receiving a “My First Flight!” sticker, as well as a trip to the cockpit (that’s what she said!) for some photos post-landing.

Buy everything at Walgreens. Whether you’re looking for Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream, bottles of wine, pop tarts or sunglasses, Walgreens has everything under the sun and then some. And it’s all for super cheap. This is how it should be. (Shoppers Drug Mart, take! a! NOTE!). It’s also open 24 hours a day. Winning!

Eat at Nexxt. I’ve heard the rumours that portion sizes are larger in the US, but hadn’t experienced it until I experienced Nexxt. I still drool when I think about this restaurant.

Make friends with the bell-man. (Also known as a bell-boy, bell-hop or the oft-confusing, bellmen. “Why are you saying it like it’s one word? It sounds like a type of sweater. Or a sex position.”) But seriously, these people can tell you about all the best clubs and restaurants, advise you on the best floors or rooms in the hotel that are not under construction, find you spoons for your ice cream at 3 a.m., and help you to stay calm when you temporarily loose all your friends.

Don’t forget travel insurance. Because even though there may be jellyfish swarming the beach, you may still want to risk it and go swimming in the ocean. Chances are, if you get travel insurance, no jellyfish will come near you. But you know that the laws of the universe state that if you forget to buy insurance, those suckers will automatically sting you out of principle. (NOTE: I didn't go in the water because I am well-versed in the laws of the universe and know how backwards and stupid they are. Which is good, except that I'm sad because I didn't go in the water. I hate you, universe.)

Bring earplugs. In South Beach, construction workers don’t work on weekdays. That would be silly. Instead, they prefer to work on hotel renovations between the hours of 7 and 11 am on Saturday mornings. That makes sense, right? WRONG. This is South Beach, bitches. DID WILL SMITH TEACH YOU NOTHING? Party in the city where the heat is on. All night on the beach til the break of dawn. Apparently the sacred song ‘Miami’ means nothing to the construction workers of Miami. So I repeat, bring your earplugs.

Make friends with a group of Aussie boys. Because there might be some times where you need a male buffer to ward off other creepy males, or hordes of creepy males. Just make sure that your Australian buffer is not also creepy, or else you will be drowning in creepiness with no escape route.

Have fishbowls handy. If you start to feel sick while at a club but know that you can’t make it to the bathroom, then just give ‘er into a fishbowl. It doesn't matter what’s in the fishbowl prior to your puke. Just use it, put it back on the table and try to stumble out of the club as subtly as you can into a cab and go back to the hotel like it never happened*.

Pack your suitcase the night before. This is in case any unforeseen events happen the morning of your departure to delay such important activities. Things like excessive puking, not waking up until 10 am even though you need to leave at 11 am, and spending an hour fighting with the manager over her unwillingness to honour her promise of waived hotel fees.

There. Now you are fully prepared to drink your face off in Miami and party on the beach til the break of dawn. Happy puking!


*While this sounds like something that I would definitely do, it was not me, in fact, that puked in a fishbowl. It was one of my sister in laws. I will let those of you that know them guess which one it was. 

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