Monday, September 19, 2011

Tips For Surviving a Bachelorette at Camp

Let’s start with the obvious. I know that a month ago I went to Miami for my bachelorette, but this month I went to camp for my bachelorette. Yes, I had two parties! You could say it’s because I am doubly awesome so I needed double the parties, and that would be nice of you, but the truth is that most of my friends couldn’t come to the party that was being held in a whole other country, so we decided to have another one closer to home and much easier to afford.

You’re probably wondering why I would spend my second bachelorette party at a camp. It’s not because I like the outdoors, because although I wouldn’t say I fear the outdoors*, I definitely do not like the outdoors. But this camp offered real toilets and beds, showers that didn’t require you to leave your cabin, and all meals were provided for you. Plus they were offering a bunch of extra activities, you know, stuff that outdoors-y type people love, like an aerial park, hikes, horseback riding and so on. All things I was too busy sleeping or drinking to do, but was impressed that they offered nonetheless. And obviously there were no kiddies at the camp that weekend (women's retreat only!), so drinking wasn't exactly encouraged, but let's just say it wasn't discouraged either.

*I do not fear the outdoors per say, but I am very, very afraid of things in the outdoors that move. Things like, but not limited to, spiders, snakes, ants, and raccoons. What? Raccoons look cute, and yeah, the 80’s cartoon made them seem both polite and approachable, but when you’re sitting at the campfire and one of those fuckers starts sniffing you, you’ll realize they are not, in fact, polite or approachable and they do not respect personal space.

This time I brought along four friends, three bridesmaids, and one Social Caterpillar. We brought the house cabin down, and now these are the golden pieces of advice we’d like to pass onto you:

It’s okay to take your sleeping bag into the bathroom. You know that when you’ve got nothing else good to puke in, a fishbowl will come in handy. But what about when you’re back at the cabin, trying to pass out in your bunk bed and feel the pukes coming on? Just hooker up, and take that sleeping bag into the bathroom. I know it sounds gross but let’s be honest. You’re going to end up sleeping on the floor by the toilet anyway, so you might as well be comfortable. Well, as comfortable as you can be while puking for the next 24 hours.

Don’t freak out if you lose a shoe in the cab. If the kick-ass but slightly inebriated bride accidentally leaves one of your shoes behind in a cab, don’t fret. A quick call to the cab company, using your most sweet and sober voice of course, will not only locate the missing shoe but a morning recovery mission will be arranged. In small towns, people are nice and actually care if you lose something. This of course differs from bigger cities like, oh I don’t know, Miami where I’m fairly certain that had the same situation happened, my sweet and sober voice would have been met with a ‘so what?’ and a dial tone. P.S. Sorry to anyone reading this that lives in Miami, but it’s true. P.P.S. Sorry that I temporarily lost your shoe, Wendy.

Don’t let the Caterpillar be your guide. As I mentioned, having your bachelorette at a camp means that there are various cool activities happening throughout the day. Your friends may sign you up for one without your knowledge, and it might be called Low Ropes. It might involve using a carabineer to attach yourself to a rope and be led around a mini-maze/course/thing while blindfolded. If this occurs, you should probably make sure that the Social Caterpillar is not your partner. The girl is charming, sure, but she will accidentally guide you into a tree. Twice.  

Costumes are the key to everything. If your friends are already awesome, there is only one way to make them more awesome. Dress them up in 80’s clothes. It is a sure-fire way to increase your ability to have fun by one thousand percent. ONE THOUSAND PERCENT! With those statistics, you can’t afford to not dress up 80’s. So get out the leg warmers and bright tights, hot pink scrunchies and your crimper, and tease the shit out of your bangs. Your hair might hate you but even the next morning’s rats nest won’t make you regret it. By-standers may even clap when you enter a room. That’s how awesome you will be.

Always assume there is a person behind you holding a tray of shots. When you’re at a bachelorette, it’s a pretty safe assumption that there will always be someone near you holding liquor. If you’re with the Caterpillar, it’s safe to assume at least 25% of every drink she has will end up on her clothes, your clothes, the floor, or all of the above. So between these two things, you should try to always be on guard against spillage. But when you’re at the bar, it’s best to kick that up a notch, and perhaps assume that not only is there easily-spillable alcohol everywhere, but there may be someone carrying a tray of shots right behind you at any given moment. So when you’re fist pumping, try not to flail around too much so as to not punch a tray of Porn Stars into the ground. This is especially true when the tray of shots is meant for you and your friends.

Don’t go to Dollarama if you want to find an over-sized wine glass. If you and your friends agree to all find some sort of novelty glass to use for the weekend, and you are trying to copy Jules from Cougar Town by using an over-sized wine glass and calling it Big Joe, don’t go to Dollarama. Or Wal-Mart. Or the Great Canadian Super Store. Or JYSK. Or any of those little party shops. Because they do not have what you’re looking for. All they will have is vases that do not resemble wine glasses and wine glasses that resemble wine glasses. Boring! And over priced for something that has a high rate of being dropped over the course of the weekend. Also, don’t leave this task until the last minute because instead of an over-sized wine glass, you will end up bringing along a pink flask that, while pretty, is not as efficient or time effective at getting the job done.

Avoid sad people at the bar. Listen, I understand that shit happens and sometimes you just need to go get your "drank" on at the bar, even when you might be well over the typical or appropriate age to be at a bar. However, it’s in everyone’s best interests to avoid these people unless you came with them. If you do come in contact with them, you might find yourself privy to the intimate details of their life and though you sympathize with them, your drunken self will likely not know how to respond when someone congratulates you on your upcoming wedding and immediately tells you his wife asked for a divorce that day. And then this sad person might get a little grabby with your friend, and things will have quickly escalated from hella-awkward to oh-hells-no. I repeat, it is in everyone’s best interests to avoid sad people at the bar.

“Will you have sex with me” is not an acceptable pick-up line. This one is for the boys. I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. You should also not repeat this line to nine consecutive girls who are all friends and not afraid to call you out on being sleazy, creepy, disgusting, and a host of other adjectives that even I won’t write on this blog. However, if you’re lucky, one of these girls may take pity on you and try to be your wing man. If this happens, try to stop being a douchebag. Otherwise all of her efforts to help you pick up are in vain.

There. Now you are fully prepared to drink your face off at camp and party on the beach in the middle of nowhere til the break of dawn. 


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