Monday, November 21, 2011

Things That Piss Me Off on a Good Day...

...and makes me crazier than a Real Housewife at some whacked-out dinner party on a bad day.
Pet peeves. We all have them. Oh yes, even you, Perfect Mommy. Stuff that even on the happiest of days makes you want to punch someone in the head. And it’s those same things that, on the unhappiest of days, make you want to rip off your own arm to use to bash someone in the head. Such as...
Honking your horn instead of going to the door
I’m not going to pretend I’ve never done this. I get that sometimes you’re in a hurry, or maybe you’ve got kids buckled in the back and don’t want to undo them all, nor do you want to leave them unattended. But here’s where I draw the line: if you pick someone up daily, or even weekly, and never once get out of your car to tell them you’ve arrived, you are an impolite prick. (Especially if you are about 50 years old and picking up your 75+ mother every day. Ahem! Neighbour of mine!) Why don’t we make a rule? You can honk once. Wait a little bit, say, one minute. Time it, if you like. And if the person hasn’t come outside, you need to get out and go get them, because if they didn’t hear the first honk, they are probably not going to hear the next eleventy-seven-thousand. If by the time you are out of the car, the person is already coming out, don’t be mad about “wasting time” having to get in and out of your seat. Chances are you will both be buckled into the car at the same time, in which case, you haven’t “wasted” any time; you’ve just done something with that time instead of sitting on your ass, taking your rage out on your horn (that’s what she said).
When clothing stores don’t have mirrors in the change rooms
Again, I understand the thinking behind this one. They want people to come out of the change room while trying on clothes partly so they can offer their services and advice but mostly so they can be assured that you’re not shoving 30 pairs of designer jeans into your purse. And that’s cool, I guess, except that sometimes I choose clothing that looks better on the hanger, or on someone that has perky boobs/a belly button that hasn’t been over-stretched/is nineteen, and don’t want to exit the dressing room before consulting a mirror. And you might argue that I have no business wearing anything that involves the word “mini,” and you might be right about that, but this is Canada, and I reserve the right to at least try it on. I would also like to reserve the right to try it on, look in the mirror, and take it right off without having to do a walk of shame in front of nineteen year old retail associates with perky boobs and perfect belly buttons.
Children repeating the same question seventy times
We haven’t quite entered the “why” stage yet, so I don’t know which one is actually more annoying. But for right now, I’d say Thumper asking “where the fruit loops go?” all morning takes the cake. There are only so many times I can give the same answer (“in your belly”), and then there are only so many other responses I can come up with (“they’re sleeping,” “at the grocery store,” “they’re working their way through your body and eventually they’ll be in your poop”). It’s also frustrating when the repeated question is “what’s that?” because, again, very limited response and also, when the question is being asked while in the car, it’s pretty hard to even know what the hell my child is referring to. Which reminds me...
Children who don’t accept that ‘I don’t know’ as an answer
Again, I don’t know how this will stack up against the inevitable “why” phase but I will say that I think getting clocked over the head at one of those insane dinner parties I was talking about would be less painful than having Thumper continually ask “what’s that?” while I’m driving because she won’t accept that “I don’t know. I can’t see it, I’m driving” is a valid answer. Despite what I might say when Thumper is a teenager, I don’t actually know the answers to everything. And I promise that when my child is old to enough to be asking real questions, if I don’t know something I will at least try to look it up and find an answer. Or make up something that sounds real enough. But for now, sometimes “I don’t know” is going to have to do, or else I’m gonna have to take myself out with the chair just to avoid the incessant question-asking.
Now because I would prefer to end this post on a positive note, let me tell you a few things that always make my days better.
-When I don’t have to beg Thumper to cuddle with me when we watch movies
-Reruns of Saved by the Bell
-Having an automatic car starter in the winter
-Waking up to my daughter singing the lyrics to “Marry You” by Bruno Mars
-Sleeping in
And those are just a few of my favourite things! But seriously people, if you take anything away from this post, please remember the one-honk rule. Every extra honk you make earns you an extra punch from a disgruntled neighbour. Just sayin’.

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