Monday, January 2, 2012

How to Recognize a Diva

What’s one thing that all children have in common? They are notoriously picky creatures. And what do all parents have in common? Besides the fact that we’re all liars, it’s that we have all been there. You might be the parent whose kid will only eat a certain kind of granola bar and even though you buy an identical looking one, she will know that you bought the no-name brand instead of Quaker. Or you might be the one with the child who has been wearing a Buzz Lightyear Halloween costume for the past four months and only agreed to take it off because you said Santa wouldn’t come to the house if he thought it was still October. It doesn’t matter if we’re talking about food, clothes, toys, or a type of butt wipe, kids know what they want and they aren’t afraid to say it. The other thing parents have in common is the crippling fear of waking up one day to realize that our run-of-the-mill picky child has morphed into a diva that makes Mariah Carey look like Cindy Lou-Who.

Lucky for you, I’ve compiled a set of guidelines to help you figure out whether you and your child have reached full-on diva-dom.

Unlucky for me, upon completing the list I discovered what I’ve been afraid of all along. Thumper is Mariah-reincarnate.

Are you ready? Here we go. You know your child is a diva when:

1. She can walk better in plastic Princess Ariel heels than she can barefoot.

2. She begs you to let her wear her frilly pink skirt to bed so that she can be a ballerina even while she’s asleep.

3. You affectionately call her ‘baby’ and she says, “I’m not a BABY. I’m Fumper. Call me Fumper.”

4. She unnecessarily throws a crying fit, and you tell her she doesn’t need to cry, but she says “Yes I do! I WANT to cry! Let! Me! Cry!”

5. Instead of asking you to sing nursery rhymes or the ABCs, she asks you to sing Justin Beiber songs.

6. Her favourite line from the Tangled soundtrack is from “I’ve Got a Dream” and it’s “...surrounded by enormous piles of money!”

7. She doesn’t like having her picture taken. And the odd time that she does let you take one, she needs to see it right away for approval.

8. She is the only one allowed to dance when music comes on. And even when you think you’re out of eye sight and can bop your head a little, she’ll know and will inform you that, “No, Mommy, just Fumper dances. Stop! ONLY ME!”

9. She instructs you on when you’re allowed to sing. And, of course, when you are not allowed to sing. See above.

10.She tells strangers not to talk to her before they’ve even said anything.

I sincerely hope these guidelines help in spotting diva-tude well in advance. Also, if your child says she is going to name future children after the Moroccan-themed room she was proposed to in, then it’s a safe bet you’ve got a pint sized Mariah on your hands. And if this post made you realize your offspring is too far gone, well, sorry about your luck and, welcome to it, bitches!

Oh, and, we are working on manners right now. I swear. 


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