Celebrities I Want to Be Friends With

Straight up. This post is going to have nothing to do with being a mom or having kids. The fact is that my brain has turned to mush after listing off the beers we have on tap at work non-stop for ten hours yesterday. In order to stop myself from habitually repeating, ‘Coors Light, Canadian, Rickards Red, Rickards White, Stella, Creemore, Molson M,’ I thought it would be wise to make a different list to recite instead.

In case you haven’t noticed, I like making lists. Except when the lists are meant for actually getting things done, in which case, I don’t like lists at all. Lucky for all of us, the following is not that kind of list. It’s just a wish-list of celebrities that I really, really want to be friends with.

Hilary Duff – I firmly believe that if Hilary and I ever met, we would be best friends. She is just such a nice girl and so pretty and down to earth and wholesome to the point that I just want to bake some cookies with her. Yeah, when she first came out she was totally bubble-gum pop, but even if that’s not your style (it was totally my style FYI), I think we can all agree we’d rather see our teenage daughters be like Hilary rather than Ke$ha. I’m pretty sure she’s one of the only pop princesses not to have a break down, sex tape, serious substance addiction or show us her vagina while getting out of a limo. She gets hella points in my book for that. Her scandal-free reputation might make her wary that my previous stint as a party girl could tarnish her image, but she would eventually see that I too have a heart of gold. I picture us laughing and bonding over martinis, talking about how awesome Lizzy McGuire was and how Joel Madden never appreciated her the way she deserved. And then I’d be like ‘Lindsay Lohan was such a bitch for stealing Aaron Carter from you,’ and she’d be like, ‘You are so awesome. Will you be the Godmother to my future children?’ And I’d say hell to the yes, and she would remind me that nice girls don’t swear.

Dennis Quaid –Okay, let’s put aside the fact that Dennis is one super hot older dude. I’ll admit that I haven’t actually seen a significant number of his movies. I guess if we were actually friends, this would make me a bad friend. But I have seen every episode of Ellen that he’s been on, and those appearances certainly show how good-natured and funny he is and that he doesn’t take himself too seriously – all wonderful qualities. Now put that aside too. Because I would be his friend solely to hear him say “Dennis Quaid is here!” every time he walked into a room.

Tina Fey – Tina is THE funniest woman ever in the history of the world. Seriously, it’s a fact. However, I feel like she wouldn’t be impressed with the fact that I can quote Mean Girls and Baby Mama word for word. She’d probably take one look at me and know that I’m a dumb girl who doesn’t know much about politics, world culture or women’s rights, and would shoo me away with her wittiness. See, Tina is intelligent and hilarious and oddly classy even though she created some very un-classy skits for SNL (Colonel Angus, anyone?)and as emphasized in Mean Girls, she doesn’t like when girls call other girls sluts, bitches and whores. Um. A friend recently told me that when I die, my tombstone will read ‘Here lies a pirate hooker.’ It’s because I’m constantly calling people hookers. I think you can see why Tina would beat me up with books about feminism.

Amy Poelher – Amy is the second funniest woman ever, coming in behind Tina only because she didn’t write the greatest movie ever Mean Girls. Now, Amy would also likely see that I’m not informed or intelligent enough to be considered an adult, but I feel like she is laid back enough to pat me on the head and say, ‘Poor dumb girl,’ and be my friend out of pity. Listen, I call people hookers. I’m not above having pity friends, especially if the pity friend is willing to exploit her pregnancy by doing a skit like this. And this. 

Taylor Swift – Feel free to roll your eyes because this is my second ultra-wholesome pick. Again, T-Swizzle may not be your cup of tea, but you can’t deny that this girl writes great break-up songs. She could definitely help me get the lyrical revenge on past boyfriends that I’ve been waiting for all these years. I’ll admit, sometimes she seems a bit awkward in interviews, but that is part of what I find endearing about her. She’s just a normal person trying to live a good life; it just so happens that her life is extra good, what with all the Grammys, world tours and so on, and she has to live it under the spotlight of the whole world. She also has an amazing wardrobe. And I want hand-me-downs.

So there it is. The five people I want to meet in heaven be BFF with. Hopefully when I fall asleep tonight, there won’t be any more nightmares of having to chug Creemore right from the taps while all the other beers stand around and laugh at me. Maybe instead I’ll dream of sharing a (non-beer) drink with my five besties while wearing something from Taylor’s closet and listening to Dennis talk about himself in the third person. And yes, in my dreams, I am on a first name basis with all of them.

- Yo, I'm Palin Alice, I'm out!