Let’s start with the obvious. I know that a month ago I went to Miami
for my bachelorette, but this month I went to camp for my bachelorette. Yes,
I had two parties! You could say it’s because I am doubly awesome so I needed
double the parties, and that would be nice of you, but the truth is that most of
my friends couldn’t come to the party that was being held in a whole other
country, so we decided to have another one closer to home and much easier to
afford.
You’re probably wondering why I would spend my second bachelorette party at a
camp. It’s not because I like the outdoors, because although I wouldn’t say I
fear the outdoors*, I definitely do not like the outdoors. But this camp offered
real toilets and beds, showers that didn’t require you to leave your cabin, and
all meals were provided for you. Plus they were offering a bunch of extra
activities, you know, stuff that outdoors-y type people love, like an aerial
park, hikes, horseback riding and so on. All things I was too busy sleeping or
drinking to do, but was impressed that they offered nonetheless. And obviously
there were no kiddies at the camp that weekend (women's retreat only!), so
drinking wasn't exactly encouraged, but let's just say it wasn't discouraged
either.
*I do not
fear the outdoors per say, but I am very, very afraid of things in the outdoors
that move. Things like, but not limited to, spiders, snakes, ants, and raccoons.
What? Raccoons look cute, and yeah, the 80’s cartoon made them seem both polite
and approachable, but when you’re sitting at the campfire and one of those
fuckers starts sniffing you, you’ll realize they are not, in fact, polite
or approachable and they do not respect personal space.
This time I brought along four friends, three bridesmaids, and one
Social Caterpillar. We
brought the house cabin down, and now these are the golden pieces of
advice we’d like to pass onto you:
It’s okay to take your sleeping bag into the bathroom. You know that
when you’ve got nothing else good to puke in, a fishbowl will come in handy. But
what about when you’re back at the cabin, trying to pass out in your bunk bed
and feel the pukes coming on? Just hooker up, and take that sleeping bag into
the bathroom. I know it sounds gross but let’s be honest. You’re going to end up
sleeping on the floor by the toilet anyway, so you might as well be comfortable.
Well, as comfortable as you can be while puking for the next 24 hours.
Don’t freak out if you lose a shoe in the cab. If the kick-ass but
slightly inebriated bride accidentally leaves one of your shoes
behind in a cab, don’t fret. A quick call to the cab company, using your most
sweet and sober voice of course, will not only locate the missing shoe but a
morning recovery mission will be arranged. In small towns, people are nice and
actually care if you lose something. This of course differs from bigger cities
like, oh I don’t know, Miami where I’m fairly certain that had the same
situation happened, my sweet and sober voice would have been met with a ‘so
what?’ and a dial tone. P.S. Sorry to anyone reading this that lives in Miami,
but it’s true. P.P.S. Sorry that I temporarily lost your shoe, Wendy.
Don’t let the Caterpillar be your guide. As I mentioned, having your
bachelorette at a camp means that there are various cool activities happening
throughout the day. Your friends may sign you up for one without your knowledge,
and it might be called Low Ropes. It might involve using a carabineer to attach
yourself to a rope and be led around a mini-maze/course/thing while blindfolded.
If this occurs, you should probably make sure that the Social Caterpillar is not
your partner. The girl is charming, sure, but she will accidentally guide you
into a tree. Twice.
Costumes are the key to everything. If your friends are already
awesome, there is only one way to make them more awesome. Dress them up in 80’s
clothes. It is a sure-fire way to increase your ability to have fun by one
thousand percent. ONE THOUSAND PERCENT! With those statistics, you can’t afford
to not dress up 80’s. So get out the leg warmers and bright tights, hot pink
scrunchies and your crimper, and tease the shit out of your bangs. Your hair
might hate you but even the next morning’s rats nest won’t make you regret it.
By-standers may even clap when you enter a room. That’s how awesome you will be.
Always assume there is a person behind you holding a tray of shots.
When you’re at a bachelorette, it’s a pretty safe assumption that there will
always be someone near you holding liquor. If you’re with the Caterpillar, it’s
safe to assume at least 25% of every drink she has will end up on her clothes,
your clothes, the floor, or all of the above. So between these two things, you
should try to always be on guard against spillage. But when you’re at the bar,
it’s best to kick that up a notch, and perhaps assume that not only is there
easily-spillable alcohol everywhere, but there may be someone carrying a tray of
shots right behind you at any given moment. So when you’re fist pumping, try not
to flail around too much so as to not punch a tray of Porn Stars into the
ground. This is especially true when the tray of shots is meant for you and your
friends.
Don’t go to Dollarama if you want to find an over-sized wine glass. If
you and your friends agree to all find some sort of novelty glass to use for the
weekend, and you are trying to copy Jules from Cougar Town by using an
over-sized wine glass and calling it Big Joe, don’t go to Dollarama. Or
Wal-Mart. Or the Great Canadian Super Store. Or JYSK. Or any of those little
party shops. Because they do not have what you’re looking for. All they will
have is vases that do not resemble wine glasses and wine glasses that resemble
wine glasses. Boring! And over priced for something that has a high rate of
being dropped over the course of the weekend. Also, don’t leave this task until
the last minute because instead of an over-sized wine glass, you will end up
bringing along a pink flask that, while pretty, is not as efficient or time
effective at getting the job done.
Avoid sad people at the bar. Listen, I understand that shit happens
and sometimes you just need to go get your "drank" on at the bar, even when you
might be well over the typical or appropriate age to be at a bar. However, it’s
in everyone’s best interests to avoid these people unless you came with them. If
you do come in contact with them, you might find yourself privy to the intimate
details of their life and though you sympathize with them, your drunken self
will likely not know how to respond when someone congratulates you on your
upcoming wedding and immediately tells you his wife asked for a divorce that
day. And then this sad person might get a little grabby with your friend, and
things will have quickly escalated from hella-awkward to oh-hells-no. I
repeat, it is in everyone’s best interests to avoid sad people at the bar.
“Will you have sex with me” is not an acceptable pick-up line.
This one is for the boys. I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. You should also
not repeat this line to nine consecutive girls who are all friends and not
afraid to call you out on being sleazy, creepy, disgusting, and a host of other
adjectives that even I won’t write on this blog. However, if you’re lucky, one
of these girls may take pity on you and try to be your wing man. If this
happens, try to stop being a douchebag. Otherwise all of her efforts to help you
pick up are in vain.
There. Now you are fully prepared to drink your face off at camp and party
on the beach in the middle of nowhere til the break of
dawn.
-Alice
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