I'm Basically the New Oprah

Before I begin, I have an announcement

I want to call to your attention that this Saturday is my wedding. MY WEDDING! (I needed to say it twice and in caps in case you missed it the first time.) Yes, that's right. The next time I post I will be a married woman! I'll also probably still be wearing my wedding dress the next time I post because, well, I will never, ever, ever, take it off.

And now onto my real post. I am part of a book club - okay, right now it's more of a book quartet, really - and I just picked our latest read, so I thought maybe I should share a list of interesting reads for anyone out there looking for a new book. I'm like the new Oprah, bitches. What? Someone had to take over.

Room by Emma Donoghue -Obviously I had to start with a tearjerker. That's what Oprah would do, right? But seriously, this book is captivating from start to finish and I don't think my heart has pounded so hard while reading a book since the first time I read Seasme Street's Grover and The Monster at the End of the Book. (Spoiler alert: Grover is the monster at the end of the book. Seriously though, real page turner.) It's the story of five year old Jack and his "Ma," who are held in captivity in a tiny little room by a man Jack refers to "Old Nick." The interesting part is that the entire book is told through Jack's eyes, so he has no idea that his mom has been living there against her will for seven years, or that life exists outside of their room. It's a pretty heavy subject matter, but a lot of the more "gruesome" details are a bit sugar-coated, since it's all from the point of view of a five year old. Just be warned, if you have a heart, it will break, and you will cry. A lot.

Behind the Bell by Dustin Diamond - That's right, hookers. Screech wrote a book! But don't get too excited. I wouldn't so much call this book "good" as "interesting." Or "ohmygawd this boy has unresolved issues but he just mentioned Zach Morris so I can't stop reading." Diamond advertises the book as a tell-all, but most of what he does is try to paint his former co-stars, especially Mark Paul Gosselaar, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Mario Lopez, as sluts, fame-whores, divas and big fat stupid-heads. All of the stories he uses to discredit them may be true, but in trying to make himself sound cooler than his image made him out to be, he ends up painting himself as a slut too. There is actually a chapter called "An Open Letter to All the Chicks I Banged." As painful as it sometimes was to read the words of someone who obviously hasn't gotten over being the outcast on set, it was so baffling and all "did you seriously just write that?" that I literally couldn't stop reading it. Also, he mentions Zach Morris. So...yeah. Good book.

Bossypants by Tina Fey - Did you honestly think I wouldn't mention her? Even Wendy thought it was funny, so it's not just me being biased because I have a girl-crush on her and my ultimate dream is to just hang out with her. All the time. Also with Amy Poehler. Also! She mentions a few stories about Amy, including one where Amy tells Jimmy Fallon off at the height of his SNL career, so seriously how can this book do wrong?* I don't even know what to say the book is about. It's kind of just Tina talking about her life (and yes, we're on a first name basis), but it's also sometimes her telling you ways to be successful. Like the fact that if you want to work for Lorne Michaels, for the love of God, do not finish his sentences. He hates that. I literally made a mental note of that because, honestly, what if I run into Lorne Michaels someday? The point is, every single fucking thing in this book is funny and every minute you spend not reading it is a disservice to yourself.

*I want the record to show that I also love Jimmy Fallon. I just think its awesome that Amy (yes we're on a first name basis) felt like she could say whatever she wanted to whomever she wanted. Girl power. Fuck yeah!


I'm going to pause the list here because A) you should be reading Bossypants and I refuse to continue posting until everyone in the world has read it! Or until next Monday. Whichever comes first. And B) it's late, I'm tired and I still have seventy trillion things to do before Dawson finally makes an honest woman out of me on Saturday.

To be continued....

-Alice