I’ve been married now for a week and two days! I promise that soon I will
stop talking about it. Not because I want to stop talking about it, but because
I know that even here on the Internet, I’m turning into that friend that
everyone hates because she won’t shut up about her wedding. Soon, it will end.
Just not today.
Last week, shortly after the ceremony ended, my grandmother came up to
congratulate me. She said that when the Reverend announced us as husband and
wife, he said “for the first time,” but she thought it would have been more
appropriate if he had said “it’s about time.” If you knew my grandma, you
wouldn’t think that was mean. She is hilarious, really. Because although she is
ninety-four and totally traditional and Catholic, she feels that she’s been on
Earth long enough to be able to say whatever she wants. And even though she
always does say whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and usually repeats
herself, she is a very loving woman.
Despite her awesomeness and how much she loves me, she made it her mission
during my pregnancy to always list off the reasons why Dawson and I should have
gotten married the minute we found out we were pregnant with Thumper. I believe
the phrases “legitimate children,” “not living in sin,” and “why in the world
would anyone choose to be an unwed mother” were often used. Now that we are
actually married, I’ve found out the real reasons why it’s a good idea to
get married and then have babies.
The number one reason is that planning a wedding while caring for a toddler
is not fun. Or productive. You’ll either need a super awesome blog partner who
can watch your child while you try on dresses/meet with the florist/practice one
of your many dance numbers, or you need to bring that child along while you
“search for reception venues.” I have the phrase in quotation marks because it
should really say “desperately bribing your child into behaving while trying to
appear capable of functioning at an adult level.” And you might think that being
a stay-at-home mom will give you an advantage in getting things done well in
advance before the big day, you know, because you can work on the little things
while your child sleeps. But let’s face it. If you so much as whisper while that
kid is sleeping she’ll wake up, so making phone calls is out. And cutting paper
is also too loud a task to undertake during this time. And when she’s awake,
she’s scribbling all over your millions of lists and trying to play with the My
Little Pony and Optimus Prime figurines that you’re using for cake toppers and
doing anything she can to make you wish you’d have followed Grandma’s advice and
opted for a shotgun wedding.
The number two reason is that executing said wedding while caring for a
toddler is not easy, because everyone you would normally ask to babysit will be
at the aforementioned party. And bringing a toddler to a wedding is also not a
good option. Although, I did hear a story once about a couple who set up two
playpens in the corner of the reception for their little boys and the kids just
slept away amidst the festivities. Good on ‘em but that never would’ve worked
for my party animal child. You already know that Thumper’s turn as a flower girl
didn’t exactly go as planned. Well, maybe it did go as planned, if by “as
planned” you meant that she would run up the aisle screaming and crying. And
though I was adamant that she not be present for the dinner portion of the
reception, Thumper did make a brief appearance during the tail end of speeches
and the beginning of the dancing, where she proceeded to run amuck with the
ribbons we had used for one of the dance numbers, which included poking one of
the bridesmaids in the eye with the baton end.
Having babies before your wedding will also make planning your honeymoon
trickier. Not only do you have to find someone crazy enough to want to your
offspring around 24/7, but you have to spend ten extra hours packing for your
child. And you end up looking like a crazy person because not only have you
packed everything your kid owns in four over sized bags, but you’ve included
several different lists (I told you- the lists never stop.) The ironic thing is,
you’re only packing so much crap and making so many lists because you are trying
to make life easier for the babysitter by anticipating any and every possible
thing they might need, but really, you’re probably making it harder because they
have to keep track of all that shit you packed. So...sorry to the family members
and friends who are watching Thumper over the next two weeks. I’m sure if you
chuck an empty shoebox at my daughter, she will be amused for at least three
days, so you don’t really have to bother with the bag of books and toys I sent.
Really though, I shouldn’t complain too much because I do have an amazing
network of family and friends who are always willing to step up and help when
they can. So thank you to everyone who watched Thumper during the planning
process or who is about to watch her while Dawson and I get to go away for what
will probably be the only vacation we’ll ever get sans kids for at least the
next twenty-five years. And the truth is, as crazy and hectic as it was having a
baby first, then the wedding, I really wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t have the amazing photograph of Thumper about to enter the
ceremony venue, clutching her stuffed rabbit and bawling her eyes out. A photo
that no doubt will resurface on the day of her own wedding.
-Alice
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